Rosamond was hit by a nuclear bomb. We knew it was coming, and we were trying to do our best to prepare for what that meant.
We were all going to die.
There was no time to go anywhere and try to escape. There was no where to go anyway. We were actually pretty calm considering our circumstances. We even started watching a t.v. show for a few minutes.
As the time drew near, we gathered outside in the backyard. We saw the cloud and fire and knew it was coming any second. We could feel the heat of the fire, and the heat of the wind blowing over us. I knew we were being seriously exposed to radiation, but I figured there was really no reason to fret about it. We were about to die anyway. We didn't tell the kids what was about to happen. I didn't want their last moments to be full of fear. I just wanted us all to be together. That thought was all that really made me afraid, being separated in death... I wanted to be able to hold my babies. Mine and Derek's last attempt at protecting them somehow. Derek and I gathered the four kids in between us, wrapped our arms around them and each other and just waited. Really, I wasn't scared. I felt so sad for my kids and that they were going to have to go through this, but I wasn't afraid that we were going to die. I KNEW that in just a few seconds we would all be together on the other side of the veil. Derek and I calmly watched the huge fire ball coming to consume us all, and I closed my eyes as it came over us. I remember breathing in the fire, and hearing my children's last screams and I felt so terribly sad knowing how painful it must feel for them, how afraid they must be, but I just kept saying to myself, and praying that it it would all be over in just a couple seconds.... I didn't want my children to suffer any longer.
It was over as quickly as it came. The pain was completely gone and we were in a familiar place. It was a church building. I felt just like I did on earth. I literally still felt alive. I instinctively knew we were supposed to walk into another room so when Tai let go of my hand and started to walk in another direction, I didn't want us to be separated so immediately, in frustration said, "Tai! Come here!" And I took his hand and as I did, it hit me.
We were dead.
Our earth life was over and I was STILL the same exact person I was just moments ago. I felt all of my anger that I have inside about this that and the other come to the surface, all of my resentment, all of my anxieties and frustrations.....lack of love. All of the internal weaknesses I have carried with me throughout my life. I knew I was so far from perfect and for the very first time in the these series of events, I felt very afraid. I felt so unready to meet God. I was afraid because I knew that the time to prepare to meet Him was over. My time to repent of all of my sins were gone, and I was left to hope with everything that I had, that what I had done was enough. I knew that if it wasn't enough, all I loved would be lost. In that realization, NOTHING else mattered.
We made our way into what was exactly like another cultural hall. I passed a woman who was my best friend's mom. I know her very well, I grew up with her home being my second home until I was nine years old. I was happy to see her and I hugged her. We then walked into the other room and the room was full of people I recognized. People from the other stakes that I knew. I saw so many people. I knew they were all from California. I even saw a celebrity talking and laughing with some other people. I knew there would be many more coming into this gathering. I knew the state of California was gone. I remembered my fear, and how many weaknesses I still carried with me, and in desperation, I wanted to pray to my Father in Heaven at that point, in hopes it would help me somehow.
Derek then turned to me and said the strangest thing. He told me he wanted to finish the t.v. show we had been watching. I remember feeling a little ashamed because that show wasn't exactly Heaven worthy. I looked at him in frustration and I said, "Derek, it wasn't that great of a show, there are no t.v.'s here, AND all of the stars in that show are dead now. Let it go."
At that moment Derek's alarm clock went off and I woke up. I had that dream this morning.
It was literally a wake up call, and so far, the dream has taught me two things.
One, that I must prepare right now and not take this life casually. We literally never know when we will be called home, and the awful dread that came to me in the dream when I realized how unlike Christ I really was, was too much to bare.
I can not describe to you the fear and pain and regret I felt in fearing that I was so unprepared to meet our Father. I was not ready to be judged. I felt so unclean and I was so scared that I could not live with Him forever like I thought I always would be able to.
The second thing I was taught was from that last statement Derek made about the t.v. show. We will take with us the same desires, interests and passions we carry in this life. We will remember the last things we were doing. We will be the same people, so I learned that I'd better be very sure, that the things I am interested in, invested in, and have desires about are in line with our Father in Heaven and that if they are not, I strive to lose those things in my life that are not worthy of Heaven and Eternal life with our Father in Heaven.
I am so thankful I was given that dream. As much as it shook me up, I couldn't be more thankful. I know the Lord was teaching me a lesson, and that He cares enough about me to give me that experience. More than anything, I want to remember how that fear felt. Not because I liked it, but because I didn't like it. A constant reminder of what I do not want to feel after this life is over. In my bathroom I have a sign up that says, "Don't forget what it felt like to not be prepared; Because that is how it will feel." Something that will help to keep me on the straight and narrow way. I know the Lord does not expect us to be perfect, however we must be striving to be, and I felt like the things I felt guilty for, were the internal battles that I have to fight everyday. The Christ-like qualities I lack. The true changes that need to be fought for, and corrected. Truth be told, in my dream before I died, I didn't feel like I was striving to be better, I was way to casual and I was just full of excuses as to why I wasn't striving for more.
I got down on my knees and I prayed with tears coming down my face that the Lord would give me the strength and help that I need to make those changes and become a more Christ-like person so that when my number does come up, I can, like the prophets and apostles and other wonderful men and women, know that my garments have been made clean by the Atonement. That I can look forward with faith and peace to the meeting of my Heavenly Father and my Savior and He can say that He knows me. I will make sure to make that happen! There is nothing more important than that. After all, that is the whole reason why we are here.
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