Well, first off, my sister in law had her sweet little guy today! Joshua. He is adorable! I can't wait to meet him in real life! It makes me want to hold our little girl.
Its crazy, I was reading my baby posts about Callen's pregnancy and it was SO different than this one. I seemed to feel lighter about life. I know I had some struggles, but I seemed to be so much more positive. This time I just feel stressed about everything. The one funny thing though, is, the same week (week 34) I was TOTALLY stressing about how I didn't have anything ready for the baby, and how I didn't have a dresser or anything. I was not feeling ready at all and feeling very unprepared. Well, I say it is funny because just this morning I was totally being a pregnant woman and crying about how I have nothing ready for this baby and how I don't even feel like dealing with the baby clothes, how I don't have anywhere to put them..... blah blah blah. Week 34 must be the panic before nesting comes week. :)
I pulled out the newborn clothes a couple of weeks ago. Almost half of all the little newborn girl clothes are SO STAINED! I didn't realize Evey spit up so much, AND I know I didn't put them away like that! I guess four years in the garage do some damage. I was sad and lost all motivation to put her clothes away. I know that sounds so spoiled, but I really have no excuse. It is what it is, and that is how I reacted. It's especially sad when they were some of the cutest outfits and jammies.... Okay, I really need to get over it, and like my dad said. It doesn't matter if she wears stained clothes. Think about the pioneers? All she needs is love. (I also added.... and diapers). ;)
There have been so many things that I have allowed to stress me out lately. Things at the dojo, bills, lack of ability to pay bills.... Baby drama... Feeling so guilty about my lack of attention to this baby because of previously mentioned junk. And really, it is so hard for me to feel connected to her. I do sometimes, and I feel like she is protected and so sweet. I pray she is protected, because I have had SO MUCH anxiety this time. I don't want her to feel that and resent me or something. I've had a couple dreams where I didn't feel close to her once she was born. I'm really not that worried about it. I know all will be well, and I feel more calm and good about the dreams I had where even though I didn't get to hold her right away, I felt the connection when I did and I knew she loved me, and I knew she knew I was her mom, and I loved her! Oh, why do I worry about these silly things? Why would my daughter not like me? It makes no sense. Again, my dad. He said, you need to start just focusing on the baby and you. Stop worrying about the things that are out of your control. Put it all in the Lords hands.
My dad is pretty great you know. I've decided to follow his advice.
Yesterday I had my second non-stress test. Apparently, she was just too chill. They sent me to labor and delivery triage because she wasn't moving enough and she didn't give the nurses the heart excelerations they were looking for. They buzzed my belly four times with this little vibrator thing to wake her up. She wasn't impressed. After getting to L&D, they gave me some juice and she woke right up. She just wanted something sweet! :) No, I figured I just needed to eat. I had had breakfast and some almonds as a snack before I left, but next time, I'll eat more. Im sure there will be no more action (or lack of it) from here on out.
The only thing out of whack is that she is breech right now. Im sure she will turn again (I totally felt when she did turn breech. I was in the shower and boy oh boy, she took over my belly. I have never experienced that before). Again, she will probably turn again, we technically have 5 1/2 weeks to go. I just hope if she's going to turn again she does it soon cause.... If it felt like that and she's this small, don't know how it will feel if she rolls like that in three weeks or something.... Yikes. I'm also a little scared because her little cousin Joshua who was born today was 6lbs 11oz. and that scares me because he was only due one week before Noelle. Again yikes! I'm starting to see 10or 11lbs in my future again.... BUT, the good news is, I was reading my Callen blog and at 28 weeks I was saying how uncomfortable I felt and how I was officially waddling. I'm almost 7 weeks past that for this baby and I can honestly say I feel pretty good and only started waddling like a week and a half ago. It could be I am just used to how this feels now, OR, like I am hoping, it is because she is smaller than he was. We'll see. It doesn't REALLY matter, but I really kind of DO want to enjoy some small baby for awhile longer than I got to with sweet Callen. I must say though, I honestly and truly don't feel like I missed out on anything. He is such a sweetheart, even in his large structure. I always say, he has a big body to hold his big loving heart! Really, if she comes out big, it will just mean more baby to snuggle! Plus I love baby chunk.
Anyway, I guess I am not going to be surprised with anything that happens with this sweet baby. If she stays breech, I won't be surprised. I did have a dream she came out that way... Honestly, I think the only thing that would actually surprise me about the birth of this baby, is if everything goes smoothly and naturally like the others did. I know that must sound bad, but it's just a weird feeling, though, I am an emotional crazy pregnant woman. Don't know what feelings to trust at this point. The only thing I do know, is that I have put it all in the Lord's hands and He definitely has a plan already laid in place. Non of it is my choice it feels like and you know what? I trust Him. I am totally a go for doing things and going through things the Lord already has in place. I don't fear His plan. I am thankful for it and thankful for His love. So so much.
Well, I think I am done for today. Derek is home today. Not for me, but because his arm is pretty out of whack. Poor guy can't lift his arm. He's still taking care of me though, sweet man. :) I really love days off. He's been pretty busy lately.
No comments:
Post a Comment