I know it's because I am her mom, but I think she is already beautiful. Her precious picture is on our fridge and I literally fall in love with her every single time I see her.
I love her. So much already. We all do.
It's strange how you feel when you look back on things. I've always wondered, what is really real? The feelings you have while you are going through it, or the feelings you have about it once it's over?
Take this pregnancy for example. All in all when I look back on it so far I'd say it wasn't too bad. But if you asked me sixteen weeks ago? I'd have said it was pretty dang hard. I was sick for a long time.
Labor. Now THAT is a prime example!
With every labor, I look back with a sense of fondness. Weird right? But the whole time I am going through it, especially at the very end, I'd rather be doing something else. (And that is putting it very VERY lightly). I'm scared every.single.time.
That pain is just too intense and it frightens me so much, almost to the point that I feel almost paralyzed and want someone to take over and save me. For the first two months after the baby is born I FEAR labor. The memory is just too close, and yet, when all is said and done, I look back and I wouldn't choose another way.
I had a dream two nights ago that she was breach. I gave birth to her feet first and she came out super purple. She got good color right away, but of course in real life (especially in Lancaster) they would never let me naturally have a breach baby, and honestly, even though I have been taught that it is usually fine I don't know if I'd have the guts to do that, so I've been thinking. How would I feel if I end up with a C-section for this baby? I am positive that any woman who has had one would think I am absolutely retarded, but this is my blog so this is where my heart goes.
Honestly and truly, I don't want a C-section. Never. Not because it's a surgery, not because it is much harder to recover from, but because I would miss out on the labor with my daughter. To me, that is something that we as mom and baby, share an experience where we are working together, and that feeling of complete elation once the pain ends and the baby is out?
I don't want to give that up. This is something that I only have so many chances to do in this life. I am sure I am making someone mad or hurt out there, for that I am sorry, but I would hope, that along with your feelings come my own. I have cherished every birth I have been blessed to go through. I chose to have a baby at home for goodness sake! Most woman would say no thank you to that. But I hold these birth experiences sacred. I can't explain why... It's just in my heart. I've never taken an epidural, and I never will. I don't want to miss the experience. It would be too painful for me, so the thought of missing it completely, scares me. It brings tears to my eyes.
I'm not much different than I was before I ever had babies. I was curious. No one could tell me what birth pain was like, so I was certainly not going to miss out on the chance to find out. After my first birth, I thought to myself, 'I've had the experience, now lets move on to another one. I'll try the epidural this time.' Well, Tai came too fast I couldn't.
With Evey, I got the impression not to and I am extremely thankful I listened because with how long her labor went, and the fact that the cord was wrapped around her neck three times, I truly believe labor had to take over twenty hours and be painfully long with long breaks in between each contraction so that the cord would have time to stretch and let her be born naturally. Had I gotten the epidural, I would have totally gone for the pitocin which would have sped up the contractions and made them hard for her. I know she would have been in distress, because the few times I had really hard contractions her heart rate always went down, and I would have ended up with a C-section which at that time wouldn't have broken my heart. The blessing in not having one at that time however; was that I caught bronchitis the day I went home from the hospital. Coughed harder than I ever have for days. I am sure that I would have split the stitches, maybe got an infection, who knows. But at the time when I had Evey, no one could take time off of work. My mom had to go home immediately following the birth, my mother in law was stuck with work and Derek was as well. It would have been a very very difficult thing to have me be that sick. I healed so fast after Evey's birth. I never even tore.
Complete blessing, and completely needed. Had I not had bronchitis, it would have almost been like I hadn't had a baby.
I think my real passion for not missing out on any birth and the complete gratitude I feel for each experience came from having Callen at home.
I don't believe that passion will ever leave me.
I am sure I am just naive. We always say what we will and will not do until the time the Lord has us experience something else so we are more wise... I realize I am coming from only one perspective.
I am open enough to believe, that if I do end up with a C-section with any of my children for any reason, that the Lord will be there to make that experience special as well, and it will be a journey that my child and I will experience together, a different one, but still experienced together.
I believe the Lord will make all things right in my heart.
I think I have said enough for today.
I can't believe it is only ten weeks away.
Oh, I guess I should finish the dream. I don't want to forget it. After she came out and her color was fine, she was crying and I held her and she still cried, but then I held her very close and I said, 'I love you baby...' and she immediately stopped, put her hand on my face, and the connection was complete, I was her mom and she knew it. She had no fear. She smiled at me (remember this wass a dream) and then I took her to her dad and she immediately smiled at him as well. She knew him and loved him. Then I let someone else hold her. She looked scared, and she was trying to pull away. Derek said, 'I know what is wrong, we are just too far away from her.' He walked up to her and said, 'Hi Elle' and in that moment calmed down and let that person hold her.
I have more than once had a feeling that this girl might be a bit shy, needing and wanting her parents more than anything, I don't mind. If the dream is true, she will be alright, as long as she knows we are there and that she is loved.
Oh, Noelle my child. You are so dearly loved, always will be, and will always have those around you who will be there to comfort and love you. Above all else, your Father in Heaven will never leave your side. We love you, and can't wait to be there for you baby!
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