Do you Ever Just Feel Tired?

I am so tired.  I just so so tired.  All of the time.  I am just about useless as far as actually doing anything productive or worth while.  I hate this feeling.  I love having my babies, but it takes so much out of me. I am emotional, on edge, I just can't take the drama sometimes.  A lot of my energy isn't just going into making a baby.  It's all the mental energy it takes to just be there for everyone's issues.  I wouldn't change my job.  I love being a mom and I don't ever not want to be a mom.  I am just tired.  SO so tired.  Emotionally, physically, mentally....

I am most frustrated because I don't want to be tired anymore.  I want to have energy.  I want to move, go outside, go for a jog (or just a nice walk would be good).  I kid you not.  I just can't.  I am sure there are many theories of why out there.  Don't want to hear them.  Not able to take on more guilt for what I am not doing.  I just need some mental decompression.  I need some serious thinking time.  I need to re-group.  I need complete silence where I don't have to answer any questions, solve any problems, make any meals, clean anything.  I need to sit, pray and ponder.  I think I just have had, for too long, too many stresses, whether financial, physical, or mental (or all at the same time) and I just want to feel peace inside.

I feel so bad for this little baby inside of me sometimes.  Sometimes I worry she is feeling the stress I am putting on my body.  I really worry about it, but then, when I really feel that concern, I do feel a bit of peace go through me that tells me she is protected.  For that I am thankful.  I am such a mess when I am pregnant.  It's absolutely ridiculous how difficult I find having children.  I really didn't think it would be this hard.  It is SO hard to not feel like a failure everyday.  I guess I can't be too too hard on myself.  Really, I am a bit more emotional when there is someone growing inside of me, but really, the times when I feel like I've done it just right are few and far between.  Mostly, I just feel all of the ways I am lacking.  I feel like the world doesn't expect me to be more than I am.  Like it's just saying, Yep, that's what I thought, she just can't hack it.  I just want to sleep and cry.  That's all.  Just sleep and cry.  I hate these days when Derek works in the evening.  That means dinner, bedtime rituals, the night crazies my kids seem to get every night all falls on me, and it falls on me after the time of me maybe having any energy of any kind at all is long since gone.  I just want to sleep and cry.

We've been watching past seasons of the biggest loser, and when those people get stuck and say they can't do it and Jillian screams at them that it's all mental....  I totally get that.  How do you fight the mental paralyzation?  I feel paralyzed.  I feel like joy is hard to feel, I feel like the motivation to just fight is gone.  I pray so much everyday that the Lord will help me.  Give me the mental strength I just don't have.  I know I am stronger than this!  But it's just not here.  I want it back.  I want to accomplish things, and when I do feel mentally up for stuff, PLEASE physical, be there for me!  Please, because there have been times when the spirit has definitely been willing but this pregnant flesh has been far too weak.  Seriously, if someone offered to take me to Disneyland right now, I would have to decline,  and if you knew how much I loved Disneyland, you'd know how cruddy I feel.

Sorry, I know this post is depressing.  I feel it, it's depressing writing it.  This is however a part of my life's story.  This is a part of my test.  I know if the Lord wanted too, if it was the right time to, He would release me from this funk.  This is definitely more than just a mental switch that I just need to flip.  This is between me and the Lord.  In the last two blessings Derek has given me, he has blessed me that I will heal, mentally as well.  It won't be over night, but that the Lord will bless me to heal.  I really am going to be okay, Mondays just seem to be the worst!  I am like that Carpenters song, "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..."  (Except actually, rainy days totally make me happy!)

I will be fine, this is just a trial.  I pray I can not fail and that I can come out conquerer.  I pray for the Lord's strength in every way it can be felt.  Especially since we are so blessed and truly don't have the right to complain.