Oh, this thing we call life.

My mother in law took this. We tried to get the kids to look, smile, be happy....

We determined that this picture is just a picture of real life.

You'll notice, no one looking at the camera except me, Ethan's a dinosaur, Tai's in his own cute world, Evey is "helping" with Callen, and Callen, well, he was tired.

Me, well, I don't know. I'm in my jammies, in desperate need for clothes that fit me and a haircut.

I am sitting here on the couch today, nursing Callen, looking at his sweet big eyes, watching me, smiling at me too (he’s smiling at me now while I type this..... how I love that! Thank you Callen for your coos, and smiles!)

Well, while nursing Callen, Derek has one foot up on the couch, the rest of his body is laying on the floor. He is tickling Tai Tai and Evey. Their squeals as loud as they can get. Am I painting a beautiful picture? Sure. But, at that moment, all I felt, sitting in our beautiful mess that we call home, was, “What on earth were we thinking?” I even said the words out loud. In response Derek said, “I have no idea.” It’s not that having kids isn’t beautiful, of course it is, and this is one of the times I’ll look back, smile, and even miss it.

Right now of course, I just feel like all my reserves are very used and pretty darn close to being dry. We missed our date last week, the week was very full, and, there is no break in sight. I miss my husband, I just want some calm inside this heart of mine. All I ever feel, is this feeling like I am just always trying to catch up. Never on top; and if I ever feel like I am an top of things I don’t stay that way for long! I will never give up, never. But today all I feel is, “ I just want a break for Heaven’s sake.” I just want to sit and feel. Have time to assess the situation. Derek’s right, all we need to do is plan better. Like the saying goes, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Well, I am all for planing, but when exactly? I can’t hardly finish a sentence without getting interupted, or breaking up a fight..... I hear crying down the hall as I write this, bummer. Well, I know, we just need to do it. Make it that big of a priority. Do you know what I don’t understand? Why when I get a moment do I have to plan? Why do I have to think of my life and it’s nuttiness, when I “plan” a spare moment? Can’t I just sit in a hot bath, close my eyes, and not move? Enjoy the sound of silence? Well, now I must go. Attend to a diaper that has failed to catch all that has been expelled. Help my Evey to stop crying and help her find her bottle.

I must tell you though, even with all of this, I would NEVER wish it to go away. I love my children, my life, I am so thankful for how blessed we are to have a home, clothes and food, all the necessities of life for our family. I do not wish to complain. I would like some time to decompress, that is still real, I would like to spend some one on one time with my spouse, that is still real, but I would not change the fact that we have four children and a life that we all get to share together. Without them....... Life would feel meaningless. Now that I have them, if they were gone, life would feel meaningless. Again, I don’t write to complain, I only write to express the truth of how I feel and to perhaps strengthen some other woman somewhere who feels guilty for feeling what I have felt today. For her and anyone else I say to you...... You are Normal, and it’s okay.