I Have Learned

Before I continue, I feel I must say one thing.  We are all entitled to personal revelation for our families.  We are all different and have a different story.  I just wish to share mine, and the things that the Lord has opened my eyes to.

So here it goes.

These last few years have come in a whirl! 

They have come, and they have gone.

I have, in recent years, felt incredibly overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a mommy.

It happened quickly, and by choice; has not stopped. 

However;

For a long time, there was a part of me that screamed, hey, what are you doing?  

You should still be a kid!

  And that voice was so hard to ignore!

I got married because I loved Derek.  I wanted to be married!  I knew I always wanted a family, and I wanted to have children right away, our actions were completely purposeful and I got to get married and have our first child ten months later.

Responsibility hit with power and well, I got tired.  I got tired real quick and stayed that way for a long time.  I was never not truly happy to be a mommy, I was just again, tired.  

Exhausted in every mental and physical sense. 

After Tai, I decided I wanted a break.  I deserved one right?  I had two kids in two in a half years, that entitles one to a break right?

I then found out I was pregnant with Evey and I cried.

(Now I wouldn't want to live a day without her) but...

Sad to say, I also started to feel I deserved to be doing something more.

I felt I deserved to read a book without interruption whenever I wanted. 

To be able to decorate however I wanted without getting things broken, to keep a clean and organized home the way I wanted.  To go out on a date with Derek whenever we felt like getting out, or just sit and watch a movie with him at home in peace.... 

I realize now, that I felt selfish. 

Not that what I wanted was selfish, but my attitude towards it all certainly was. 

Lately, things have changed;

and I have learned.

One huge thing that has helped me is a talk I heard in General Conference.  

Julie B. Beck said this....

"A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. 

A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence."

When she said that, it clicked.  It just did.  I am ashamed to say it took me this long to understand.

What she said is pure truth.  

Another thing that I read the other day has stayed with me also.  

My dad wrote me a letter a long time ago and in it he quoted Elder Ballard.  

Elder Ballard said,

"....A child lives with parents 18 or 19 years, that span is only one fourth of a parents life.  And the most formative time of all, the early years with a child's life, represents less than one tenth of a parents normal life.  It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and seek, with help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our home."

My desires were not wrong.  

It's not wrong to want to read a book, it's not wrong to want some time of quite and peace, it's not wrong to want to keep a house clean, and it's definitely not wrong to want to spend some alone time with your spouse (definitely not!).  

Where I was going wrong however was the amount of time I spent thinking of all the things I could not do, and the affect it had on my happiness, which in turn, affected my families happiness.

 We all need a break, we all need alone time with our spouse to keep that flame alive (hence the council to all of us that we need to go on weekly dates) and the Lord gives us what we need, but honestly, I think we are a very selfish generation.  

We forget.  

Though the time we spend with our kids changing poopy diapers feels like it will last forever, it won't. 

 If we miss this time with them and leave it in someone else's lap thinking we are doing something more worth while, we will regret it.

We must remember.  

From the beginning, the Lord gave Adam and Eve two commandments.  

Don't eat the fruit, and procreate.  

If Satan wants to ruin the plan he will focus on the fundamentals.  

He will try to get us to not have families, and if he can't get us to not have a family, he will try to get us to want to be away from them. 

 Distract us from them, or make us feel like what we are doing isn't worth while.

I refuse to fall into this trap again.  

My family is what I am responsible for at this time.

I am a wife, I am a mother.

The rest will come when it's needed and I must have faith in that.

Since coming to accept and understand that "mommy" is what my life is right now, new joy has filled my heart and a burden has been lifted.

Wiping bums and getting water has become much less burdensome, and I have experienced more and more sweet moments with my children than ever before.  I see my children blossoming into beautiful people and I am happy to share this time of our lives together!  I will certainly miss it when the "young child" stage is gone, (never dreamt I would ever say that) and I am determined to enjoy every phase of life my children and family go through.  

Selfishness and not being in the mood are not valid excuses and are not an option!

My kids are worth everything I am called to do, and so is my husband.

 I am a wife, I am a mommy!

There is no place that I would rather be in my life right now!

  I rejoice in my call and my responsibility and I will forever!

No, I am not perfect, but I will never stop striving to be!