Not Tonight

As I sit here listening to my children's chatter down the hall, I think, oh, how blessed I am to hear those voices.

Usually, I would be getting beyond annoyed by now.  I would think, HEY!  I put you to bed, now be quite and go to sleep!

I would allow myself to get angry.  To go down the hall and even yell at them to get in their beds.

Not tonight.

Tonight I am reminded of those families in Connecticut, and those who may not be hearing these noises now.  And not just in Connecticut; any mothers and fathers or grandparents who for some reason or another don't hear those voices and sounds now.  The mother who survived the car crash from the thoughtless drunk driver, and yet her two year old daughter did not...  What she wouldn't give to hear her throw a fit again?

Life is full of moments, and every moment gives us a choice.  Now, I am not saying that I am going to be a perfect mommy from here on out.  I am not saying I will not ever get angry with my children, or long for a night out away from them to be alone with my husband.  I am not saying that I will never in one way or another lose sight of how blessed we are.  I am not even saying it is right for me to allow them to be awake and playing down the hall right now after I have put them to bed....

All I am saying is, tonight, when I heard them, the realization came so clear to me.  I am so happy to hear those voices.  I am so thankful they are here, that they were not in that school, that they were not in that car, that they are here, safe with me tonight.  Ethan is reading to his brothers and sister, and they giggle every so often.  I can't deny that these moments are what eternal life is all about.  Will we not find eternal joy from our children in Heaven?  Is that not eternal increase?  If we live our lives true and faithful, we will be blessed to have children forever, and we will remember these moments that we hold so dear, and we will hold our children's children, and their children and on and on for eternity.  I want that.  I so dearly want that, and I will get that.  I will settle for nothing less.

I have so much to learn.  It's absolutely shameful and even sometimes downright embarrassing how much I mess up, how much I still don't know, how unorganized my house still is, how dirty it can get in a matter of hours....  How upset I can get over something so little....

Oh, I wish so much I had more energy to play with my children, to just go and go like some woman do.  I don't.  And it is so hard to have so many children so young.  In four months I will have five children seven and under.  I am overwhelmed.  Would I change the amount though?  If I was so utterly foolish, who would I take out?  NO ONE.  Absolutely none of them!!!  I am NOT that foolish!  Not only do we love these children more than words can express, but we are here to learn eternal principles.   I am here to learn things from this family I would never learn otherwise.   I am here to be a mother.  I know we have done as our Father would have had us do, and though I am FAR from perfect, I feel my Father's love, support, comfort and even approval.  I know He knows what is important, and I know He knows I am on His path.  I may be a slow learner, but sometimes I don't think that matters.  What matters is where my heart is, and I do believe it is in the right place.

When I was pregnant with Evey and feeling like the worst mom ever....  Derek gave me a blessing and it said, as long as I never stopped desiring to be a better mother, all would work out right in the end.  I hold to that so dear.  The Lord is so merciful.

So tonight, I am going to let them read to each other and enjoy each other's company.  At least for awhile, because I love the sounds I hear.  As of right now, they are not fighting, they are not doing naughty things, they are being good to each other.  I love hearing that.  And in honoring those who also love to hear that and now cannot, I will try to cherish better every moment that I can.