About 19 weeks along....

So, I know I have an entire pregnancy blog....
But I haven't written in that for like two months.... Maybe more.  Who knows.  I figure I haven't dumped any new pictures on the computer so I don't really know what to blog about except what's been going on with this pregnancy.  Long story short, I had awful morning sickness that lasted forever it felt like.  Derek went to Japan through a couple weeks of it but I was super duper blessed with a ton of help with the kids and with people who brought in meals.  The Lord strengthened me so much for sure!  I was really blessed.  I am SUPER happy to have Derek back though!
Now, I am on like day seven or something of not having morning sickness and I am literally a new woman.  The only downside is, I have an appetite again dang it! ;)
Oh well.

Now for the new news.  I had a doctors appointment and they found I have been bleeding behind the placenta.  Not too comforting when the doc says "if the bleeding stops you'll be fine.  If it doesn't stop, you will lose the baby."  I had to face a reality I didn't want.  I prayed, felt peace, went home and got a blessing.  I feel like I will be able to keep this baby.  I have had a couple of ultrasounds since, I have continued to have the bleed, and the doctor said worse case scenario if it does continue (putting losing the baby aside since I truly feel that will not happen) the baby may come early, or it may cause some growth restrictions on the baby.  If it stops, then that will be that!  As of today it has not stopped, but I know that the Lord is in charge.  In the blessing I received, it said that the pregnancy is going as the Lord has meant it to, and that this will help me to grow spiritually, and that in time my soul will heal.  I know, it sounds like it could go either way.  Again, I know I will get to have this baby.  I have had at least three dreams over the last couple of years concerning me having a little baby girl.  Each time, I have come home from the hospital (which for me is now strange because I had my last baby at home and was planning to do the same with this baby if I could.)  I got the feeling like I was recovering and my baby was small, healthy and beautiful.  The strange part is when I would say, 'Where is my baby?  I haven't gotten to see her or bond with her yet?'  I remember one dream I said that, and then I got to hold her, and she was so small and beautiful, and she looked at me, and I could feel that she knew I was her mommy and we bonded.  It was such a wonderful feeling!
Anyway, that theme of someone else taking care of her first before me has been a theme for more than one dream.  It doesn't mean that I will have something crazy happen (I hope not anyway)  I just think it means be prepared that this pregnancy and delivery may be different than the last.  When I think about the delivery though, I feel power and comfort.  I know the Lord is in charge and I know He has it all taken care of, and everything will be for my good and for my families' good.  I am not worried.  I just feel peace.
In tyring to decide on a home birth last time, I learned that just because you have a home birth once, doesn't mean every birth will be the same.  I knew that each pregnancy needed to be prayed over, and that each birth would be different.  I had hoped that all would end up with me at home.  I pray that I will get to do that again because I love my midwife, and I loved being home with my husband.  It was a calm and beautiful experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I am SO grateful to have that memory not only on film, (very G-rated by the way) but also in my heart to keep forever!  It is dear to me.  It makes me want to cry when I think I won't have that with this baby, but for whatever reason, I have gotten a very definitive answer of no, not for this baby.  I feel like there is a reason that I don't even know about.  I feel like there is a grand plan out there I don't see and I need to just take the Lord at His word and not question it.  It's simply a no, and I know He will take care of me so it is not a terrible experience either even though it is not the answer I really wanted.  (I did not enjoy the first three births at the hospital).  I am sad, but again, I put my trust in the Lord, and I move on!  Knowing that all hurt gets taken care of through the Savior's Atonement.  Even something as silly as the disappointment of not being able to have a home birth with this baby.  I say silly because I am sure there are so many out there who would call that silly.  But those who have done it know what I am talking about.  ;)

Anyway, that is that.  I am excited.  This Wednesday we get to have the "big" ultrasound and I get to find out for sure what we are having.  Though, it's totally a girl.  Just for the record. ;)  It'll still be fun to see!

It's Thanksgiving this week..... I love my family, I am thankful for them, I am thankful for our home, I am thankful for our life.  I am especially feeling thankful for the peace strength that comes only from the Lord.  I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost.  I am hurting right now for a dear friend who is going through more than I could ever imagine.  My heart aches.  For you friend, I just want you to know you and your family are in our prayers continually!  Your faith is humbling!